Why I Deleted Instagram

And have never looked back

Photo by Alexander Shatov on Unsplash

This post has been swimming around in my brain for a long time. Over two years ago, I cut the cord with Instagram, with a promise to my "followers" (gag!) to start a blog to share some writing and to expound more upon my reasons. That was two babies and a lot of life ago, but I've never stopped wanting to publish what finally spurred me to get rid of the account forever, if only to give others who are thinking of doing the same the kick in the pants they need, because it was so freeing. I want that for others. Every time I sit down to write about it, I realize I have so much more to say than one post can contain, and not nearly enough time to do it. So I am going to settle for a very informal brain dump, to which I may add follow-ups in the future.

I loved Instagram. It was a fun outlet when trying to stay awake with nursing babies in the night or during some of the more mind-numbingly boring parts of parenthood. Over time, as my own self-awareness, as well as the nature of the app, began to change, it became something that contributed to my near-constant state of anxiety and "floodedness," as I call it: the unnatural amount of information (good/bad, true/untrue, etc.) and stimulation constantly pummeling my frazzled brain was making me mentally sick, and yet the app had an inherently designed power over me that, even with the elaborate boundaries I constructed by which to contain the urge, ultimately asserted its control over my attention again and again. I even found that when I did have it in its "proper place" meaning only looking at it between 2 and 3 pm, or every other day, or only on weekends, etc., I still THOUGHT about it. It still maintained power over me in multiple ways.

Eventually, I faced the nagging questions head-on: Do you really want to look back on your life and know you spent hours, days, months, and YEARS being controlled by people who care nothing about the wonder of your mind or the salvation of your soul? Do you want to remember your young children's lives punctuated by your own addiction, however "benign" it may be (I do not think it's benign.) Do you want them to remember their mom being annoyed at them far too often, simply for needing attention? How many of the great books on your endless list could you have read instead of scrolling through the fleeting thoughts of lesser minds? Who among your friends and family, with whom you have actual history and memories, might you have kept in closer contact with? Who might you have prayed for during those boring moments instead of filling your heart with angst?

One night, I had a thought that took my breath away and which became the beginning of the end of my social media use. Could I even hear the still, small voice of God of the universe, who desires union with me but does not force himself upon me? Not really, or not as often as I should. Because I was filling nearly every moment with some form of stimulation, the God of Silence, who I desperately wanted to know more deeply, could not communicate with me. I prayed, certainly-- I had a prayer routine and all of that. But in the majority of empty, or stressful, or uncomfortable mental moments, I did not turn my attention to God, but to my phone. It didn't really matter that half the people I "followed" were posting saint quotes and holy images and even at times, truly profound reflections. The God of Silence could not find a true home in my heart and mind because the onslaught of words and images I exposed myself to had taken up residence there. I knew that this reason more than any other, meant that for me, the right decision was to cut off my right hand, or at least destroy its iron grip on the device it held more often than not.

 It is embarrassing to say this, but it was probably one of the most painstaking decisions I have ever made. I analyzed it from every angle, examined the pros and cons, read numerous books on the topic of technology and media in the modern life, and even grieved the loss of online friendships and truly edifying accounts. But I ultimately made the decision and completely cut the cord. And quite immediately, it was incredibly freeing. After years of failed attempts to "put it in its proper place" and "cut back" and "take the good and leave the rest" and any number of other euphemisms for "curb the addiction" I realized the absolute insanity of allowing my attention and the battle for it to be bought and sold for many of the waking hours of my life… and even in the night when I woke to nurse my babies. It felt as natural to grab my phone in any free moment as it did to scratch an itch. I think more of us experience this than would like to admit it. Being free of this opened the world back up to me in several profound ways, which I will try to write about in a future post. But in brief, my mind became clearer, my soul became freer, and my heart became more open. Though I never stopped reading, I returned to being the voracious reader I had been. I became a better friend, wife, mother, sister, daughter, and co-worker. I again had margins in my day for unexpected joys. I would not go back to the shackles of social media for anything.

I am hesitant to be prescriptive about this. I know that there are people who really don't find it as alluring as I did. But at the same time, I do believe that the app itself and the people running it do not have our human flourishing in mind, and we have a responsibility to examine the proper role of this technology in our culture and in our personal lives. Look to any number of founding members of Facebook, and you will find principled people begging us to stop allowing ourselves to be bought, sold, and consumed. Everyone I know watched The Social Dilemma, got uncomfortable with their phone usage, posted about it online with proclamations of cutting back… and then the moment passed, and most went back to their personal slot machines. So while I know that of course, good things have come from social media, I think we all know the ways in which it has damaged us as a society and as individuals. I believe that the social media we are offered now it is not a net good, and we would all do well to eliminate it in its current form.

It is not good to insist upon a fantasy ideal. Social media is here to stay, in one iteration or another. But this doesn’t mean we should just throw up our hands and keep twittering away because it's useless to resist it. An honest examination of how we relate to the technology in our lives and subsequent adjustments in behavior can only improve our mental and spiritual landscapes. I'm not comfortable telling anyone else to delete their social media, but I am confident that we should all be evaluating the role of media in our lives so that we don't look back in regret at years wasted staring at a screen.

I am going to end my brain dump here, because little ones are waking up from naps and snow is begging to be played in. I hope to write more in the future, as time allows. Until then, I would love to hear your thoughts.